Why Self-Love is Critical to Managing Perfectionism

While many of us have felt the need to juggle our professional life with our personal life for several months now, few of us feel we accomplish this balance successfully. In a world filled with digital influencers on social media and through email marketing, it’s tough to not compare yourself to others who seemingly “have it all together.” The reality? Many of us strive for perfectionism without realizing that it isn’t realistic. No one actually “has it all figured out.”

Let’s be honest: Feeling insecure and striving for perfectionism is painful, and even more painful during an uncomfortable, unusual time such as the current pandemic. While many, if not all people, are faced with negative feelings at one time or another, lacking a strong sense of self-love or self-esteem can wreak havoc on our happiness. 

Even more apparent in today’s world, individuals are constantly expected to not only fulfill multiple roles, but fulfill each of them exceptionally well. Today’s working executives are also parents, daughters or sons, caretakers, or community volunteers. The growing list of responsibilities while still maintaining balance is increasingly becoming more unrealistic, leading us to feel the woes of poor self-esteem.

Often, we may experience: 

• Doubtfulness

• Feeling like you're "not enough"

• Difficulty making decisions for yourself

• Feelings of failure, emptiness, intense disappointment

• Hypersensitivity to peoples comments

• Inability to discern who to trust and who not to trust

• Holding rigid views of self

Low self-esteem and lack of self-love can appear in three forms:

1. The Impostor: acts happy and successful, but is really terrified of failure. Lives with the constant fear that she or he will be "found out." Needs continuous successes to maintain the mask of positive self-esteem, which may lead to problems with perfectionism, procrastination, competition, and burn-out. Often looks like a high-achieving individual.

2. The Rebel: acts like the opinions or good will of others - especially people who are important or powerful - don't matter. Lives with constant anger about not feeling "good enough." Continuously needs to prove that others' judgments and criticisms don't hurt, which may lead to problems like blaming others excessively, breaking rules or laws, or fighting authority. Often looks like Oppositional Defiance in teenagers.

3. The Loser: acts helpless and unable to cope with the world and waits for someone to come to the rescue. Uses self-pity or indifference as a shield against fear of taking responsibility for changing his or her life. Looks constantly to others for guidance, which can lead to such problems as lacking assertiveness skills, under-achievement, and excessive reliance on others in relationships. Often looks like someone that plays a victim.

Regardless if we’re living in an unprecedented pandemic, the growing list of responsibilities for all Americans is unprecedented. The responsibilities one has now are greater than the responsibilities held by our counterparts from 10, 20 or 30 years ago. 

Rather than thinking in terms of “I should do this” or “I need to do this,” dig deep - and cut yourself some slack. Today’s world is filled with more exponential changes than we ever thought could exist. 

All hope isn’t lost when it comes to establishing self-love to manage perfectionism. Therapy can help you to regain or gain a sense of self-confidence and thus, self-love. After all, therapy is an investment in yourself because you will:

• Unmask persona that they are putting on to hide their self-esteem issues

• Explore feelings of feeling less competent than most others. 

• Raise awareness of self disapproval statements.

• Raise insight into the origins and current sources of low self esteem. 

• Identify and list activities that would improve self image and define a plan to achieve those goals.

• Reduce fear of rejection while increasing statements of self acceptance.

• Reduce the frequency of negative self descriptive feelings and increase frequency of positive self descriptive feelings.

• Learn to acknowledge and accept verbal compliments from others.

• Raise frequency of assertive behaviors. 

• Develop realistic attainable goals in different areas of life.

• Take full responsibility for accomplishments without discounting his or her effort. 

• Identify and list any negative self talk messages used to reinforce low self esteem. 

• Use positive self talk messages to build self esteem. 

• Raise the frequency and ability to speak up with confidence in social situations.

Ready to explore how therapy can help you ignite your self-love and manage perfectionism? Contact us today!

3 Reasons Why You Should Disconnect from Remote Work

The American culture has conditioned us to be hooked on our work, whether we are in or out of the office. Now the Coronavirus pandemic has many of us working remotely more than ever. While employers expect employees to maintain productivity, working remotely doesn’t mean working 24/7. With more video conference meetings and minimal commuting to begin and end the workday, it’s no surprise that studies show people are working more hours per week compared to pre-pandemic times. 

Let’s face it: our minds are constantly plugged into different tasks, technologies and more, leading us to think we’re being productive when in reality - we aren’t. 

When we’re constantly thinking of work outside of normal work hours - whether it is to check email phones or respond to texts - we can’t be entirely present in the moment at home, resulting in minimal work-life balance. 

Aside from work-life balance, there’s more reasons why you should disconnect from remote work:

1. Increased productivity

   Longer hours don’t necessarily equate to more work getting done. Most people do their best work between 2 and 6 of the working hours within a given day and fatigue drastically sets in after 9 hours, resulting in less productivity. Therefore, employees can’t deliver their full potential. 

   Aside from longer hours leading to minimal productivity, the need to continually be available and respond quickly adds up. While it may seem productive, multitasking also decreases quality of work because our minds are not entirely focused on the task at hand.

   Create set work hours and avoid responding to email after hours by shutting down the laptop and turning off the phone notifications. Then, see how your productivity will improve.

2. Better sleep

   Long work hours can negatively affect your sleep. How? Stress from work, hours looking at a computer screen and minimal time to unwind between ending work and going to bed. Minimal sleep in the short-term can affect your memory and consolidation, leading to mistakes or poor quality of work. On the other hand, minimal sleep over time can raise the risk of obesity, heart issues and diabetes

   Few people can function effectively off five to six hours of sleep. Develop your bedtime routine and allocate at least 8 hours of sleep each night.

3. Reduced stress

   Most adults experience regular stress from work. Due to the pandemic, it’s no surprise that more employees are stressed from working remotely combined with other duties, such as educating children while at home. 

   High levels of emotional and psychological stress come with constant connectivity to work. And several studies show that those who are unable to connect from work have higher levels of fatigue and burnout. 

   But what are even worse effects of stress? High blood pressure and migraines, among other complications. To reduce stress from work - physically disconnect. Multiple studies show that regular exercise helps people become more resistant to stress. Aside from turning off phone and email notifications after work hours, get exercise through a walk, run or bike ride outside.

Need other ideas for how to disconnect from remote work? Contact us for a virtual consultation.

Why Couples Counseling is so Valuable

Often times we may not seek help until we really needed it. We may think we don’t need it or things will resolve on their own. Here are some quick tips to help support your relationship that can also be explored more deeply in Couples Counseling.

1. Relationship issues are never just one persons fault: The problem is in the interaction, the dynamic that two people have developed and honed over time. Even though its easy to blame the other party attempt to bring attention to what part each person has in the conflicts.

2. Embrace that each of you is different and will think and feel differently about things: Being different actually helps us grow, because we are more aware of different ways rather than the way we have been doing it, when we see being different as a negative unhealthy patterns begin to develop and we begin opposing them rather than taking time to value them.

3. Stop making assumptions: Without complete communication with your partner, assumptions can start to creep in about what the other person is thinking, feeling, or doing. Some individuals in. couples will then act on their own perception without fully getting the whole truth. Its unlikely to know exactly what your partner is thinking, so be aware of asking and maintaining an open mind to what they say.

4. Its not helpful to talk in absolutes: Often in arguments people jump to “you always do this” or you “never do that”, communicating in this way alienates you from your partner because nothing is always 100%, people vary in the way they behave everyday. If you want to communicate something you don’t like that your partner does try to focus on what they may have just did in that moment, rather than combine what you may think “always or never happens”.

5. Relationships are about the little things not grand gestures: Partners interact typically every day in some way, its helpful to remember that your partner is looking to receive something from you everyday whether thats a hug, an affirmation, doing a chore or whatever, by being attentive to what little things your partner may need they will likely follow through and respond by giving you want you need.

These are just some quick ideas, its important to have safety and stability in your relationship, if this is lacking or you are worried about how your relationship is playing out reach out today for support.

3 Ways Your Teen Can Benefit from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)

Let’s be honest. The teenage years are an emotional roller coaster. From enrolling into college to managing personal relationships, teenagers have a mix of ongoing events. The result? Intense or out of the ordinary reactions toward these situations, leading to a mix of experiences including anxiety, depression, self-harm, eating disorders and substance abuse.

But there’s hope for managing this. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is a type of psychotherapy that uses individual therapy and group therapy to develop mindfulness, acceptance and communication in relationships with the self and others. And through this approach, teens focus on four core concepts:

·       Mindfulness – The practice of being fully present and aware in this one moment

·       Interpersonal effectiveness – How to ask for what you want in a respectful manner, learning to set healthy boundaries while maintaining self-respect and relationships with others

·       Distress tolerance – How to tolerate, accept and move through emotional pain in different situations, even in crisis

·       Emotional regulation – How to change your emotions through thought exercises that directly shift perspectives

You want the create the best life for your teen. Here are three reasons why your teen could benefit from DBT:

1)    Effective stress management

You’re a parent who has been through multiple life experiences – college or graduate school, marriage or divorce, career transitions, love and loss. The teenage years are often the first period in which a person is exposed to life-changing situations. Therefore, the start of “real life” stresses are just beginning. So, it’s important for teenagers to learn how to manage stress now, at the beginning of their transition into adulthood, rather than getting into adulthood only to realize that they cannot manage stress.

Stresses will always be present, whether through professional or personal situations. But effective stress management is one of the most important skillsets anyone can learn to live a truly healthy, happy life. During DBT, teenagers will grasp a better understanding of mindfulness and emotional management strategies to cope with stresses.

2)    Mental self-care

Self-care has been a big buzz word for the past 5 years, if not before then. And while self-care is often focused on how to take better care of ourselves physically, there’s a strong component tied to mental or emotional self-care. DBT uses both acceptance and change strategies. Thus, teenagers will explore how to take care of themselves mentally. Such improvements include how to say “no” during difficult situations, better self-image and asking for help.

3)    Emotional connectivity

Due to the emotional roller coaster of the teenage years, it’s unfortunate that many teens have suicidal thoughts. And these teens are often angry, intensely frustrated, depressed, unmotivated, and/or anxious. DBT helps teenagers learn how to take charge of these emotions by learning how to identify and label these emotions, identify obstacles to changing emotions and apply distress tolerance techniques. The result? A stronger connectivity to emotions which is critical to maintaining a balanced, mindful state.

Curious if DBT is right for your teenager? Contact us today to learn more about upcoming DBT sessions that can benefit your teenager.

Why You Need to Stop Counting Calories Now

Let me first start off by saying Counting Calories is engagement in diet culture and the opposite of you listening to you body and engaging in intuitive eating. Diet culture preaches that you’re not good enough or fit enough unless you can get those Instagram likes for your toned, tight, “bikini body” (also wtf is a bikini body, isn’t any body in a bikini a “bikini body”, anyways…) its unrealistic, healthy and promotes an unhealthy relationship with food, your body, with social events that involve either of the two, and so on. Plus the industry will have you believing you need to buy some fitness book, or diet plan in order to achieve that instagram worthy body. This is a $30 billion industry (Health and Fitness) in the U.S, and it. has been growing by at least 3 - 4% annually for the last ten years and shows no signs of slowing down anytime soon. Its time to disengage from it, and stopping counting calories is one of the steps to disengage.

So why is it so important:

1. So many of the diet foods (foods advertised as low calorie foods) contain all sorts of chemicals produced in a lab somewhere that can potentially prove to be poisonous for the body and absolutely ruin the adrenals, cortisol levels, skin, hormone balance and nutrient absorption.

2. It takes the enjoyment out of food, you begin to see everything you eat some a scale of calories, and nutrient density and stop seeing it for what it is, fuel for your body.

3. The potential to become “addicted” to counting calories is ever so powerful as food and your body begin to be seen as “good” or “bad”

4. A calorie is NOT a calorie (contrary to the popular “a calorie is a calorie” belief). Our bodies process and metabolize fat, protein, and carbs VERY differently, and even different kinds of fats (saturated vs unsaturated) and carbs (simple vs complex) are metabolized in diverse ways. Making counting them pointless.

5. Stop looking at the nutritional panel altogether. It’s not as important as the ingredients, as what’s actually in the food you’re eating, you want to at real food don’t you?

6. By restricting calories (counting them insistently, generally leads to this), we are telling our bodies food is not available, which then slows our metabolism WAY down.

7. Finally your health is not based on just your calorie intake for the day. Your stress levels, exercise, water intake, sleep, eating nutrient rich foods, avoiding toxins, all contribute to your health. Calorie counting is not the answer!